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08-27-2012, 08:24 AM
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If you’ve ever spent time in a gym, you have noticed it's a place where interestingcharacters can congregate. I’ve made past attempts to classify the varioussubspecies of gym-goer (hereand here),but my work is not yet complete. Some of these characters can be considered annoying,others unusual or simply amusing. These are the people at the gym. The Gun ShowAlways male and with a tendency to like the same (or so I’ve been told). These guyscould have a myocardial-infarction-waiting-to-happen-sized gut and aflatter-than-a-Dungeon-Master’s ass, and they do not care. They are there to pump upthe gun show: biceps and triceps. Well, mostly just biceps. Their workout routine: Show upin sleeveless shirt, do arm work, leave. The ResolvedThese people show up in early January full of fire and enthusiasm. They’ve got anew workout wardrobe and a hyperactive personaltrainer barely out of high school whose other job is waiting tables at Applebee's.This person works hard for a few sessions before the pain, sweat, injuries and timepressures begin to compound. Most of them don’t survive past two months, and yet,like a phoenix, shall be reborn and arise from ashes gray the following January. Charlie SheenThe guy who is so obviously hung over it’s impossible to imagine how his heartwould continue to beat without the several lines of blow he did in the parking lot to makeit through this workout. You can see the stink lines of sour booze wafting out of hispores and the Grim Reaper stalking him from the shadows. Marge SimpsonShe’s the harried mom. She’s got baby puke on her wrinkled Lululemon, makeupon only half her face, an errant curler stuck in her hair, a piece of toilet papertrailing from her runner and bags under her eyes with a haunted look like a grunt cominghome from back-to-back tours in the Nam. She zooms in and out quickly before the toddlergoes apoplectic and so she can make sure the older kids make it on time tosinging/soccer/football/piano/karate, that the dog gets neutered, the house gets cleanedbefore dinner is made and the plumber… The SlimerYou know that classic scene from the movie Ghostbusters when Bill Murray’scharacter gets “slimed?” This is what the bench looks like after he’sused it. And, no, he doesn’t clean it off. There is a special level in hell forthese folks. The WTF-Are-You-Doing? GuySeriously, who does some kind of one-legged Superman maneuver on a Bosu while holdingkettlebells? In what retarded universe does that make sense? Oh, yeah, the universe inwhich your gullibility prompted you to buy a new car’s worth of personal trainingstuff and the trainer just ran out of ideas for new stuff to show you. That one. Same Shirt GuyWe could give him the benefit of the doubt. We could say that he has several of the exactsame T-Shirt at home or that he does his laundry every single day. But we’d knowthis would not be true. We know it’s not true because of the way he gets smellierand smellier as the week progresses. Then his mom finally peels the microbe-infested“most favorite shirt” off his back and washes it and the cycle can begin anew.The Chiropractor’s DreamEverything on her is tight and tiny except for the implants, which could save a drowningman. Regardless of the time spent on a rowing machine to compensate, her vertebrae areslowly, inexorably being pulled out of alignment from the mighty weight of her chest. The Tuff GuyHe’s the one with a variety of T-Shirts that say things like “TapouT”on them. I’ll just quote Chris Shugart, who said it best: “Unless you fight inthe sport, you don't do MMA. You're just a guy with a large collection of douche-yT-shirts.” We Are BorgTheir workout is planned down to the second, the rep and the pound using some convolutediPad app. Resistance is futile. The BabysatThe people whose personal trainers act more like a psychologists and who are utterlyincapable of exercise without having their hands held by a training babysitter every stepof the way. Naked Locker Room GuyYou’ve seen him. He’s old. He’s flabby. And he’s damn proud ofwhat’s flopping out of the graying mass of pubic hair. Recall what he looks like.Picture his nakedness in your mind. Now go out and enjoy the rest of your day. Continue Reading (http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding/people-at-the-gym-part-iii.html)
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If you’ve ever spent time in a gym, you have noticed it's a place where interestingcharacters can congregate. I’ve made past attempts to classify the varioussubspecies of gym-goer (hereand here),but my work is not yet complete. Some of these characters can be considered annoying,others unusual or simply amusing. These are the people at the gym. The Gun ShowAlways male and with a tendency to like the same (or so I’ve been told). These guyscould have a myocardial-infarction-waiting-to-happen-sized gut and aflatter-than-a-Dungeon-Master’s ass, and they do not care. They are there to pump upthe gun show: biceps and triceps. Well, mostly just biceps. Their workout routine: Show upin sleeveless shirt, do arm work, leave. The ResolvedThese people show up in early January full of fire and enthusiasm. They’ve got anew workout wardrobe and a hyperactive personaltrainer barely out of high school whose other job is waiting tables at Applebee's.This person works hard for a few sessions before the pain, sweat, injuries and timepressures begin to compound. Most of them don’t survive past two months, and yet,like a phoenix, shall be reborn and arise from ashes gray the following January. Charlie SheenThe guy who is so obviously hung over it’s impossible to imagine how his heartwould continue to beat without the several lines of blow he did in the parking lot to makeit through this workout. You can see the stink lines of sour booze wafting out of hispores and the Grim Reaper stalking him from the shadows. Marge SimpsonShe’s the harried mom. She’s got baby puke on her wrinkled Lululemon, makeupon only half her face, an errant curler stuck in her hair, a piece of toilet papertrailing from her runner and bags under her eyes with a haunted look like a grunt cominghome from back-to-back tours in the Nam. She zooms in and out quickly before the toddlergoes apoplectic and so she can make sure the older kids make it on time tosinging/soccer/football/piano/karate, that the dog gets neutered, the house gets cleanedbefore dinner is made and the plumber… The SlimerYou know that classic scene from the movie Ghostbusters when Bill Murray’scharacter gets “slimed?” This is what the bench looks like after he’sused it. And, no, he doesn’t clean it off. There is a special level in hell forthese folks. The WTF-Are-You-Doing? GuySeriously, who does some kind of one-legged Superman maneuver on a Bosu while holdingkettlebells? In what retarded universe does that make sense? Oh, yeah, the universe inwhich your gullibility prompted you to buy a new car’s worth of personal trainingstuff and the trainer just ran out of ideas for new stuff to show you. That one. Same Shirt GuyWe could give him the benefit of the doubt. We could say that he has several of the exactsame T-Shirt at home or that he does his laundry every single day. But we’d knowthis would not be true. We know it’s not true because of the way he gets smellierand smellier as the week progresses. Then his mom finally peels the microbe-infested“most favorite shirt” off his back and washes it and the cycle can begin anew.The Chiropractor’s DreamEverything on her is tight and tiny except for the implants, which could save a drowningman. Regardless of the time spent on a rowing machine to compensate, her vertebrae areslowly, inexorably being pulled out of alignment from the mighty weight of her chest. The Tuff GuyHe’s the one with a variety of T-Shirts that say things like “TapouT”on them. I’ll just quote Chris Shugart, who said it best: “Unless you fight inthe sport, you don't do MMA. You're just a guy with a large collection of douche-yT-shirts.” We Are BorgTheir workout is planned down to the second, the rep and the pound using some convolutediPad app. Resistance is futile. The BabysatThe people whose personal trainers act more like a psychologists and who are utterlyincapable of exercise without having their hands held by a training babysitter every stepof the way. Naked Locker Room GuyYou’ve seen him. He’s old. He’s flabby. And he’s damn proud ofwhat’s flopping out of the graying mass of pubic hair. Recall what he looks like.Picture his nakedness in your mind. Now go out and enjoy the rest of your day. Continue Reading (http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding/people-at-the-gym-part-iii.html)
http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding/people-at-the-gym-part-iii.html ( More...