TheyCallMeX
06-19-2011, 01:16 PM
For every good person that is in your lives, or has passed through your lives brothers. I'm sorry I've not been around on the board the last week. I do have some business to take care of and I apologize for not being in contact.
My father passed earlier last week, and although we never had a relationship whatsoever I am filled with a lot of emotion, regret, and sadness. My father and mother split before I was even old enough to walk, because she had a severe drug problem and he had a severe drinking problem. When I was born my mother stopped using drugs and left him to pursue a better life for me. I've met my father a handful of times over my life, and each and every time he has been fucking trashed.
I never got to have a real, heart to heart conversation with my father. I never had a male role model, someone to encourage me, or anything of the sort. My mother abandoned me a little later in life as well, so I took my anger and frustration out in the gym and I still do. It's an emotional release for me to lift heavy, it helps me keep a level head.
While I've forgiven both of my parents and have come to terms with this YEARS ago, it still hurts me to think about what kind of a relationship my father and I could have had if he wasn't such a fucking pussy. I know that sounds horrible and awful, but for fucks sake......
My father at one point in his life was an extremely successful business man until his partner fucked him over, and he lost everything. About two years after that, he had gone into full blown alcoholism and I was born. Then my mother left him.
Over thirty some years and I see him a handful of times, each time drunk. So many times I wanted to drive over to his place, and beat the living shit out of him. Not out of anger, but out of tough love I guess. I guess to tell him that sulking and drowning his sorrows is never going to get him anywhere.
I just dont understand how a person can be that pathetic and give up and die; to not even fucking try. I just wished he had lived a better life. I took today to look at old pictures of him before his drinking began and I see a happy, successful man; A man I never knew and never will know. He looked happy.
I saw my mother last week at the funeral for the first time in years and she looked horrible. Drugs and alcohol, the shit that they do to people.....She looked at me and just said a few words, "It's a shame his life ended this way..." and I just replied back, that it ended thirty years ago right before I was born.
I can't imagine drifting through life and not even putting in a fucking effort to pick yourself up off the ground and try to better yourself. I guess my old man motivated me in a different way; how NOT to be. That's why I busted my ass in high school and now I'm onto grad school.
Sorry I'm off on a tangent here. My point is, that if you guys have supportive family that I truly envy you for that and you should be thankful. Don't waste a single moment over anything petty and never forget today could be your last day, or theirs. The only thing I have is my lady who has been been with me through thick and thin, backing me up all the way and my two doggies. :) That's my family, and maybe eventually we will start one of our own. My motivation is to be everything that my father and mother were not. I can't help but feel empty inside about it sometimes though.
Everyone take care,
X
My father passed earlier last week, and although we never had a relationship whatsoever I am filled with a lot of emotion, regret, and sadness. My father and mother split before I was even old enough to walk, because she had a severe drug problem and he had a severe drinking problem. When I was born my mother stopped using drugs and left him to pursue a better life for me. I've met my father a handful of times over my life, and each and every time he has been fucking trashed.
I never got to have a real, heart to heart conversation with my father. I never had a male role model, someone to encourage me, or anything of the sort. My mother abandoned me a little later in life as well, so I took my anger and frustration out in the gym and I still do. It's an emotional release for me to lift heavy, it helps me keep a level head.
While I've forgiven both of my parents and have come to terms with this YEARS ago, it still hurts me to think about what kind of a relationship my father and I could have had if he wasn't such a fucking pussy. I know that sounds horrible and awful, but for fucks sake......
My father at one point in his life was an extremely successful business man until his partner fucked him over, and he lost everything. About two years after that, he had gone into full blown alcoholism and I was born. Then my mother left him.
Over thirty some years and I see him a handful of times, each time drunk. So many times I wanted to drive over to his place, and beat the living shit out of him. Not out of anger, but out of tough love I guess. I guess to tell him that sulking and drowning his sorrows is never going to get him anywhere.
I just dont understand how a person can be that pathetic and give up and die; to not even fucking try. I just wished he had lived a better life. I took today to look at old pictures of him before his drinking began and I see a happy, successful man; A man I never knew and never will know. He looked happy.
I saw my mother last week at the funeral for the first time in years and she looked horrible. Drugs and alcohol, the shit that they do to people.....She looked at me and just said a few words, "It's a shame his life ended this way..." and I just replied back, that it ended thirty years ago right before I was born.
I can't imagine drifting through life and not even putting in a fucking effort to pick yourself up off the ground and try to better yourself. I guess my old man motivated me in a different way; how NOT to be. That's why I busted my ass in high school and now I'm onto grad school.
Sorry I'm off on a tangent here. My point is, that if you guys have supportive family that I truly envy you for that and you should be thankful. Don't waste a single moment over anything petty and never forget today could be your last day, or theirs. The only thing I have is my lady who has been been with me through thick and thin, backing me up all the way and my two doggies. :) That's my family, and maybe eventually we will start one of our own. My motivation is to be everything that my father and mother were not. I can't help but feel empty inside about it sometimes though.
Everyone take care,
X