Doc Love: Should You Talk About Your Ex?

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This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," tells a reader how to talk about his divorce now that he's dating again. Reader's Question

Hey Doc, What to tell women about why I am divorced? I enjoy reading your column and it always helps me understand where I’ve gone wrong in the past in relationships. Well, I am now about to reenter the dating world after a 10-year marriage. One question that seems to come up right after women find out that I am divorced is, “What happened in your marriage?” I need help figuring out the best way to answer that question. In a nutshell, after seven and a half pretty great years (in my mind) with no fights and what others (including my wife at the time) called a great relationship and two young daughters, I lost my job, suffered a herniated disc and subsequently went into a depression. It was not a good time in my life. At the same time, my ex-wife took a really stressful job (which I suggested wouldn’t be good for her) that required a lot of travel, and one year later she began a relationship with a married man she met through that job. When it became obvious to me what was happening with this other guy, I confronted her. I got what most men get in this situation: a bunch of lies (he’s just a friend, she doesn’t love him, it isn’t physical, etc.). Then I got blamed for not supporting her when I lost my job. At that time, I made the hard choice to try to reconcile with her for the sake of my daughters. For seven months I unsuccessfully tried everything I knew to save the marriage before she chose to leave. Unfortunately, I gave up all my power to her, and my self-confidence and self-esteem has taken a big hit. Now, I have a very contentious relationship with my daughters’ mother, who is in a serious relationship with the now-divorcing man with whom she had the affair. She has also told all of our friends how happy she is, what a great guy he is and has communicated how little she cares about how her choices have impacted me and my daughters. It’s been tough to take. So I’m now moving on with my life, focusing on being happy as a single man. But just saying to a new woman “We grew apart” isn’t an honest story, and “My wife left me for someone else” isn’t a complete story. While the latter is ultimately what ended my marriage, I have chosen to accept my contributions to why our situation became so difficult (out of work, unhappy with myself, too accommodating, etc.) instead of just blaming her for her actions. Don’t get me wrong -- I no longer have any respect for my ex-wife and realize that I didn’t pay attention to red flags she set off at the beginning of our relationship, but I am where I am. I’d like help coming up with an explanation to women that is honest but that doesn’t set off a bunch of red flags. I know I don’t have to go into detail, but I think that any woman I get serious with will learn much of the story in the future, so I don’t want to set myself up for a future trust issue in a new relationship. So what should I tell people? Carter - who wants a fresh start Doc's Response

Hi Carter, You’re concerned with answering questions from new women when you don’t even have any idea how to date since you’ve been in a 10-year time warp. So, first of all, before you worry about anything else, you have to get my book and memorize it. Otherwise, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’ll be condemned to repeat the sins and errors of the past.” You say your ex-wife blamed you for not supporting her when you lost your job. But where was her support for you? When you were down and out for a while, why didn’t she stand beside you? And taking a job with lots of travel is no excuse whatsoever for infidelity. Continue Reading

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