Doc Chaves On Getting To Know Your Kinkier Side

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Exploring Sex

Dear Doc Chaves,I'm a 22-year-old female and totally new to exploring sex. I grew up in a really conservative Catholic family, and it seems like my sex life really took a turn for the better when I moved out of my parents’ house. I’ve wanted to explore with some of the kinkier sides of sex, but I’m really afraid to do it or talk to anyone and find if there is someone I like that’s also into it. When I say kinkier, I mean a lot more than simple spanking stuff. I mean much more extreme. Advice please?-BrendaWelcome to the club, darling. I also come from a Catholic family with conservative views. While our families may not understand us, a life without being true to ourselves is not truly living at all. It’s amazing how we encourage risks in many areas of life, yet when we embark on sexual adventures, the world frowns at those risks. We’re labeled freaks or sex addicts. I applaud you for having the desire to explore something that may challenge the messages of your upbringing.Exploring kink is something I recommend taking slow and safely. Many people jump into situations, scenarios and relationships quickly and without the knowledge, maturity and understanding of what they are getting into. I know it’s exciting and you’re curious, but keep your wits about you. I recall having a former female student become very interested in BDSM after our class lecture. The following week she told me she had found a male dominant and they were discussing living out one of her fantasies, a rape/forced sex fantasy. The alarm went off for me. You bet I intervened and advised her about safety, taking things slow and a host of other cautionary tips.For yourself, I suggest taking things slow. If you’re going to get involved in something, make sure you have knowledge before taking any action. Since kink is what you fancy, I suggest reading a few books to start. The Ultimate Guide to Kink is a wonderful anthology edited by Tristan Taormino. It covers a number of BDSM, edge-play and role-play concepts. This is the edgier side to kink introduction, with concepts like fisting, bondage, S/M, rough sex and lots more. Another book to have in your beginner’s library is SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. It focuses on safety protocols while introducing many concepts in a safe and smart manner. I want you to be smart, articulate and knowledgeable before being a player. I know that’s an old-guard style, but it’s the safest route to pleasure and enhancement through kink.The next steps would be attending workshops, finding local dungeons or organizations that are kink-positive; joining kink social communities online like FetLife; and attending kink conventions. You’d be surprised how many like-minded people you’ll meet once you choose to venture out into the kink world. Do yourself a favor: take things slow, be cautious, don’t jump into situations unless you truly feel comfortable and know well the people you are playing with. When you have all of this under your belt, the sky’s the limit on pleasure and enjoyment. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you around the kink circuit. Why Would She Be Looking At Gay Porn?

Hello Doc,My girlfriend lent me her phone the other day to make a call. I touched her button for the internet and up came a gay porno site that had two dudes in a video. I’m grossed out and mad, and I got into a fight with her. Why in the world would she be looking at that?-ChrisSame reason you probably have a bookmarked lesbian porn site on your favorites list. Why are you so bothered? Don’t you look at porn, too? The research says that you probably do. Why she is looking at this type of erotica is probably less relevant than why you’re so upset by it. We’ll get to that in a second. Women have unique arousal, much more complex than male arousal. There have been studies that show heterosexual women being aroused by all kinds of erotica -- gay, straight and lesbian. It doesn’t mean that is her orientation, but eroticism regardless of the actors is arousing for many women. There are a lot of women who get aroused by two men being sexual, just as there are plenty of men who get aroused by two women being sexual. Continue Reading

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