Why Getting Lucky On A First Date Isn't A Good Thing

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It’s a question on manymen’s minds as they sit in a candlelit restaurant on a first date: Will I get laidtonight? Or will she make me wait? Of course, plenty of men arethinking about more important issues, like whether their date might be good wife material,but suffice it to say, men like sex, so wondering about the probability of a post-dessertromp is natural. Well, the news is good and bad. Mark Regnerus, associateprofessor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of PremaritalSex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying (Oxford,2011), knows firsthand. His research project, which includes a wealth of survey data onsexuality, found that a whopping 20% of young American men have sexon a first date. Yup, that’s one in five. But before you give abunch of high fives to your brothers with “A” games or mourn over yourinferior track record, here’s the other news. According to Regnerus,“Statistically, the 20% are less well-educated, consider themselves a bit moreattractive and are slightly more depressed than the average 18-23-year-old in thestudy.” Translated, that means that less intelligent, slightly arrogantand mentally stressed young men tend to go for a short-term fix rather than a longer-termreward. And for those hoping that sex on date No. 1 could be a stepping stone to agirlfriend, there’s more bad news. Renowned evolutionary psychology professor DavidBuss at the University of Texas at Austin and Martie G. Haselton at the University ofCalifornia, Los Angeles, found that the more sexualpartners a man has had, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminishedattractiveness in a woman after the first time he's had intercourse with her. Diminishedattractiveness, as in, “I thought she was hot, but now not so much.” Clearly,fast sex for these guys doesn’t lead to a girlfriend. If the guy is a player, itmore often leads to disappointment. Then there’s the other bad news. Menwho obtain quick sex from more than one partner are setting themselves up to become futurecheaters. “Many will say, ‘when I get ready to settledown I’m going to take things more slowly,’” says Dean Busby, Ph.D.,whose work studying thousands of singles and couples has produced relevant and timelydata. “Unfortunately, some of our more recent research seems to suggest that thepatterns that develop in young adulthood, and their relational consequences, can’tjust be turned off or avoided once a person decides it is time to marry. Everyrelationship we have, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationshipwe have, and the patterns that we repeat across relationships become very difficult tochange.” But still, the myth persists that men must audition a woman toensure sexual chemistry before deciding if she is commitment material. If this myth weretrue, it would stand to reason that couples who do not test out sexual chemistry beforecommitment should have shorter, more unhappy relationships. But Dr. Busby and hiscolleagues at Brigham Young University were unable to make this connection in a study ofmore than 2,000 couples. People with good sexual chemistry early on did not stay togetherlonger. He explained his results to me this way: “The mechanics of good sex are notparticularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, thevulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are muchmore complicated to figure out.” So are the lucky 20% really solucky? Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of the upcoming The 30 DAY LOVEDETOX (Rodale, February 2013) Continue Reading

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