How Too Much Dating Advice Can Ruin Your Chances

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This evening, like any other, thousands of men will head out on romantic encounters withsomeone about whom they know little, each seeking to blaze a new path in the boundlessfrontier known as “convincing someone to touch my boner.” They’re armedwith psychological studies, advice columns, datinggurus and human sexuality textbooks. They know what to say and the best way tospeak (always from the chest). They understand body language and know how to positionthemselves, both physically and in conversation. They’re prepared to discuss avariety of topics that their female paramour can relate to.Welcome to the ageof the over-informed dater.We live in an information-based economy, and ourpersonal lives are becoming increasingly information-oriented, too. In a way, it’salmost become a currency of sorts, and like any other currency, it can be used to project(or stand in place of) status. It makes sense if you think about it: No longer is theresocial pressure to prove our worth to women through our physical prowess. Looks will onlyget you so far. A great personality can work wonders, but only once a woman has let youget close enough to charm her. Conspicuous wealth isn’t fashionable right now, andeven if it was, guys with tons of cash might want to avoid the kind of attention thatcomes with flashing assets around. But what if you have none of the above? What ifyou’re an out-of-shape, unattractive bore with a negative bank balance? Simple --you just start making it rain with the hottest commodity on the market.Everyone, almost without exception, wants to have intimate relations with someone else.The problem is, not everyone is equally suited to do that, or at least not with thequality of women they think they deserve. As a result, we’re constantly on thelookout for information that will give us an edge, a leg up on the competition. Those whodon’t entirely understand something always assume there’s some“secret” to success (I heard it all the time working at a golf course). Thething is, we want to believe that the most frustrating things in life have a“secret” to them, because it’s a convenient excuse for why wecan’t master something that seems to come naturally to others. The same applies toour sex lives.Before widespread broadband internet, those seeking specificinformation related to women and dating didn’t have a lot of options, nor did thoselooking to supply it. There were advice columns in newspapers and magazines, but thosehave to appeal to a broad audience (and good luck getting your question selected). Youcould have found your way into the pickup artist community, I guess, but you still had tofind them, and, besides, when they were starting out, most PUAs wereglorified snake-oil salesmen. I suppose you could have gone to the library to do someresearch in psychological journals, but, man, how desperate would you have to be?Fast forward to today, and dating adviceis everywhere. If you’re a self-proclaimed dating “guru,” it takes verylittle to produce and sell an e-book, and there’s a ravenous market for this stuff.You can’t make it through a news day without seeing articles about genderrelations/behaviors, because news aggregators know that those stories draw the most hits.There are approximately 80,000 advice columns online, all of them free and only a clickaway.I really wonder if we’ve reached a point of saturation. I mean,there are guides available that will tell you how to dress before you go out. Other guideswill help you approach strange women in a way that endears you to them. If you’relooking to seal the deal on the same night, you can find help with that, too. Not thatkind of guy? No problem, because if you manage to get her number, there are plenty ofpeople who will tell you what and when to text her. Your ensuing date is sure to be asuccess, because you’ve planned it out to the letter (based on some helpful tips youread online).Do we need all that? I really doubt it. There is such a thing as“paralysis through analysis.” What’s more, all of the self-help stuffout there seems pretty short-sighted. Sure, it might help you get a date or even get laid,but what about beyond that? What happens if you decide you like a girl? How do you explainto her that you don’t really dress that way, don’t enjoy the things she doesand aren’t nearly the big spender you made yourself out to be? I know that most guysaren’t dumb enough to change their entire personas and that few sources of adviceeven advocate that, but I bet there are plenty of guys out there who get so wrapped up indoing and saying the right things that they start to lose their sense of self.Self-improvement is a noble goal. Self-obsession is not. At its core, dating andpartnership are about two people (or more, if you like to party) finding someone that theylike to be with, be it for one night or the rest of their lives. The only way to findhappiness in that is to ensure the best version of yourself you’re presenting to theworld is indeed a version of yourself. Sometimes, you just have to play the hand naturedealt you. Continue Reading

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