What Your Summer 2012 Superhero Says About You

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This week’s release of The DarkKnight Rises, Christopher Nolan’s epic conclusion to his criticallyacclaimed Batman trilogy, is the grand finale of a big summer movie season formen in tights. Marvel’s posse flick The Avengers got the ball rolling bybecoming the third highest grossing film of all time, and the at-first curiousSpider-Man reboot has already grossed half a billion dollars worldwide. So withTDKR’s almost certain record-breaking haul up next, superheroes at themovies are proving to be more popular than ever. But what is it about thesemasked men that prove so alluring? Is it because beyond their superpowers, chiseled jaws,sky-high IQs and vast fortunes we see a little of ourselves in them? Well, that’sour theory and we’re sticking with it. Here’s what your favorite superherofrom this summer movie season says about you.Batman

Your parents may have forgotten to pick you up from soccer practice one too many times.As a result, you developed a major fear of abandonment that’s manifested itself inmost of your adult relationships. The upside of being perennially single (your lastgirlfriend dumped you when you insisted on handcuffing yourself to her during all wakinghours) is the free time you have to devote to your passion project: using your childhoodfear of overripe bananas to exact revenge on neglectful parents everywhere. Don’tworry, we hate brown fruit, too.Spiderman

You were by no means ugly growing up, relatively affable and knew how to skateboard, butthe in-crowd still never accepted you. In fact, they actively bullied you for reasons youfail to comprehend to this day. So instead of mastering the art of the keg stand, youburied yourself in the songs of Cat Stevens and the poetry of Walt Whitman, knowing deepdown that you were destined for both true greatness and true love. Today, you run your ownindie record label, date a cute barista with a sleeve tattoo and wear your passion forsustainable-seafood-based food trucks on your sleeve, never forgetting that with greatbranzino comes great aftertaste.Iron Man

You have a keen interest in technology, and a degree in Applied Mathematics from yourlocal community college to prove it. You grew up being told by your peers that yourunusual obsession with quantum theory would prevent you from getting laid, as would yourhabit of asking for “The Einstein” whenever you’d sit in thebarber’s chair. But you’ve become adept at using your quick wit andappreciation for the finer things in life to prove them wrong. Today, you custom-buildfixed-gear bikes for your city’s thriving hipster community, moonlight as a stand-upcomedian (your best joke revolves around the proper pronunciation of the word“Venezuela”) and come up with new and exciting ways to turn your one-bedroomapartment into a loft.The Hulk

Whenever you bring a woman home to meet your parents, they regale her with stories ofhow, as a baby, you would smash your head through windows when even the smallest thingdidn’t go your way. It’s that quick temper that’s defined you since anddistracted others from what truly lies at your core: a heart of gold. In high school, youregularly threw soft drinks at lunch ladies when they ran out of plum sauce. In college,you slashed your roommate's tires when he told you that Stringer Bell dies in Season Threeof The Wire. Today, you run the world’s only lunch-lady-specific resort& spa/auto repair shop on the planet. And, wouldn’t you know it, it’s areal “smash.”Captain America

You’ve always had a strong moral compass, which meant that while your friends werefiling your local golf course’s holes with horse manure, you were volunteering atnursing homes re-teaching old people how to walk. Doing the right thing was never a choicefor you, but a commitment you made the moment you chose to exit your mother and enter theworld. Today you uphold your high moral standard by working at a nonprofit thatspecializes in the preservation of shirts with missing buttons. Because if youdon’t, no one else will. Continue Reading

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