How Unemployment Upends Your Social Life

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As many of you know, last week in my regular column I wrote about getting laid off, both how it feels and how to bounceback. When I’m not busy practicing unarmed grizzly bear combat, I can be a prettysensitive guy (ladies), so I thought I’d use some of this space to keep an ongoingjournal of sorts discussing the effects of unemployment. Most online articles of this ilk are either collections of whining rants and peoplecomplaining about the job market, or accounts from some smug prick about how much successhe has at networking events. This won’t be either of those things. Not becauseunemployment doesn’t come with plenty of frustrations or that I won’t usenetworking to my advantage, but because I don’t think anyone wants to read aboutthat. Instead, these will be shorter, to the point and, most importantly, honest. BecauseI wouldn’t lie to you guys. Not to your faces, anyway.This weekI’m talking about the social implications of unemployment, if only because in myexperience it’s the first aspect of life that gets affected. You might put offtelling your family (but that’s another entry), but your social circle is going tobe among the first to learn of your recent pink slip. As I mentioned last week, theconversations with friends can be tough, partly because you don’t know how toapproach it if this is your first time, and neither do they. I guess unemployment is a lotlike sex in that way, but I digress.When you're let go, your knee-jerkreaction is to let everyone know that you’re OK, that you’ll persevere andthat this may be a change for the better, even if at the moment you don’t believeany of that. In a way, you feel almost obligated to eliminate their worry, eventhough their concern could actually work to your advantage. Conversations aresometimes tense, because one of you usually brings it up at what feels like too soon amoment. The first thing out of their mouths may be condolences and offers of help, whichis nice. But so much of our pride gets tied up in our jobs, even when wehave jobs we don’t like all that much. So when someone empathizes and offers youtheir resources, it’s easy to treat it as unwanted charity and let your pride get inthe way (which, needless to say, is counterproductive). Similarly, you could be a littlebuzzed at a party and walk around telling anyone who will listen about your layoff.That’s kind of a downer, and doesn’t facilitate a smooth party experience.Speaking of parties, the actual essence of your social life changes. It’seasy to feel guilty about every leisure expense, even a bottle of cheap drugstore wine tosip on while you watch the Olympics. Going out to a bar or restaurant sometimes seemsdownright irresponsible, and, on the wrong day, if you’re out when you don’tthink you should be, it can be hard to have a good time. Your friends know youhave little to no income now, so when they invite you out, it will feel like pity. You maytake them up on it, but it won’t feel the same, because if anyone’s paying foryour food or drink you’ll feel like an insufferable burden. Even worse, your friendsmight stop inviting you out altogether. In short, it’s easy to feel asthough your social life has to end when you’re unemployed. It’s kind of likecalling in sick to work in that the societal code demands that you only do soapologetically. There’s a prevailing expectation that we experience unemploymentwith remorse. If you’re out partying, it’s as though you aren’t a hardworker at heart. Knowing that, it’s important to keep some kind ofperspective. No one, or at least no one that matters, hates you for not having a job. Moreoften than not, your friends invite you out because they genuinely want to see you. Ifthey’re offering you help, assistance or support, take it -- they wouldn’toffer if they couldn’t spare it. Even though you may feel obligated to assuage theirfears, they may feel just as obligated to help you succeed. Be modest, but entertain theirovertures. It’s only fair.If money allows it, it’s OK and evenrecommended to treat yourself every so often, especially after a success. Maybe you landedan interview, made some good inroads or even had a really active day with your job search.The human mind works almost solely on incentives, and so if we don’t reward our owngood behavior, sooner or later we cease to have an incentive to do it. Continue Reading

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