Notes From My Final Days As An Unmarried Man

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I’d like to issue a sincere apology to my no doubt enormous female readership: As ofthis coming Saturday, I will officially be off the market. For theI’m-sure-considerable number of you who only read AskMen on the weekends and searchfor me by name, by the time you read this, I will already be someone else’s husband,which will be equal parts upsetting and shocking. It’s been a wild ride, women ofthe world, and I’m truly sorry for your loss. My lasting consolation gift to you andyour kind is the knowledge that someday I will produce offspring, and if those offspringhappen to be male, perhaps your progeny will have the opportunity to experience (albeit ingenetically diluted form) what henceforth only one woman ever will.Marriage isan odd and confusing thing. It’s not unlike when a young boy first discovers thatrubbing his wiener feels really good. He doesn’t know why, he just knows thatit’s something he wants to do, and it won’t be until later on when heunderstands the motivations behind his compulsion. Marriageis the same way. At first you just know you want to marry this person, though you may notbe able to articulate the reasons behind those feelings. As you spend more time togetherlearning, growing and doing infuriatingly tedious things like stuffing invitations intoenvelopes with that trifling tissue paper stuff, only then does your love crystalize intosomething that doesn’t completely defy description.As the date drawsnear, a lot of thoughts creep in. The concept of permanence certainly comes up, thoughit’s not an unsettling one like so many people assume it to be. If anything, theidea of spending the entirety of my life on earth with one woman is a comforting one,because that’s kind of the point of gettingmarried in the first place. The larger, more abstract issues like love, permanence, commitment, etc.aren’t really issues at all. None of that stuff gives me any heartburn, which iseither a good thing because it means I’ve made the right decision or a bad thingbecause it means I haven’t given it enough thought. The feeling of warmth, comfortand love I get when I wake to see a puddle of my fiancee’s drool on my chest or hearthe sounds of her feet restlessly shifting under the covers assures me it’s theformer.No, what troubles and stresses me are the little, seeminglyinconsequential things. Will we be able to foxtrot properly to our first dance song? Willany amount of practice be enough? Will I ever learn to tie this goddamned bow tie that Iso arrogantly insisted upon getting instead of a pre-tied number? What about rain? Oh,god, the rain. There’s an outside chance that it will rain in Williamsburg, Virginiathe day of our wedding, and it’s all I’ve heard about for the past week. Ifrain on your wedding day is good luck, it’s only because if you manage to survive aday with a bride whose wedding gets thrown off-course by the elements you must indeed havea Clydesdale-sized horseshoe up your ass. If I see Luke Bryan (the country singer whosehits include a song called “Rain is a Good Thing”), I’m going to punchhim square in the nuts.I think the prevailing feeling for both myself and myintended is, “Dear Lord, can we just be married already?” Planninga wedding is an exhausting, drawn-out affair, and since she carried the brunt of theresponsibilities I can’t imagine the toll it’s taken on her. At this point wehardly even want to have a wedding; we just want to be married. When we went to thecourthouse to get our marriage license the other day, it was awfully tempting to just godown the hall to the justice of the peace. We didn’t, but only because so manyothers have volunteered a lot of their time and resources in order to make this thinghappen. It goes without saying that there has been an enormous financial burden placed onthe bride’s family, so without my soon-to-be mother and father in-law, almost noneof this would be possible. Apparently it’s the groom’s job topurchase the wedding bands, but since I’m unemployed and someone wanted, like, 50tiny goddamned diamonds on her band to match her engagement ring, my family thankfullystepped in and helped out. And that says nothing of the time and emotional energy put intothe planning process by people on both sides of the aisle. As the date approaches, makingsure everyone’s hard work was worth it is definitely top of mind.For mypart, I’m just ready to get it over with, and I don’t mean that to sound likeI’m dreading it or anything. I’m just ready to be with the love of my life,the girl I used to chase around the halls of my fraternity house when we were in college.A week from now, I’ll be sitting on a beach in the Dominican Republic,sipping a drink, wearing a wedding ring my wife will have surreptitiously glued to myfinger to ensure that I get that telltale tanline. Will I regret the disservice I’vedone to the larger female population (no, I don’t mean fat girls), allowing onewoman to selfishly hoard the greatest gift to women since they were granted the right tovote? A little, yes. Hopefully I’ll become a symbol, a matrimonial Batman of sorts,giving hope to the women out there languishing in unsatisfying relationships withman-children and deadbeats. The husband the women of the world deserve, but not the onethey need right now. Yes, I like the sound of that.September 1, 2012. Here.We. Go. Continue Reading

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