Be thankful for everything you have

For every good person that is in your lives, or has passed through your lives brothers. I'm sorry I've not been around on the board the last week. I do have some business to take care of and I apologize for not being in contact.

My father passed earlier last week, and although we never had a relationship whatsoever I am filled with a lot of emotion, regret, and sadness. My father and mother split before I was even old enough to walk, because she had a severe drug problem and he had a severe drinking problem. When I was born my mother stopped using drugs and left him to pursue a better life for me. I've met my father a handful of times over my life, and each and every time he has been fucking trashed.

I never got to have a real, heart to heart conversation with my father. I never had a male role model, someone to encourage me, or anything of the sort. My mother abandoned me a little later in life as well, so I took my anger and frustration out in the gym and I still do. It's an emotional release for me to lift heavy, it helps me keep a level head.

While I've forgiven both of my parents and have come to terms with this YEARS ago, it still hurts me to think about what kind of a relationship my father and I could have had if he wasn't such a fucking pussy. I know that sounds horrible and awful, but for fucks sake......

My father at one point in his life was an extremely successful business man until his partner fucked him over, and he lost everything. About two years after that, he had gone into full blown alcoholism and I was born. Then my mother left him.

Over thirty some years and I see him a handful of times, each time drunk. So many times I wanted to drive over to his place, and beat the living shit out of him. Not out of anger, but out of tough love I guess. I guess to tell him that sulking and drowning his sorrows is never going to get him anywhere.

I just dont understand how a person can be that pathetic and give up and die; to not even fucking try. I just wished he had lived a better life. I took today to look at old pictures of him before his drinking began and I see a happy, successful man; A man I never knew and never will know. He looked happy.

I saw my mother last week at the funeral for the first time in years and she looked horrible. Drugs and alcohol, the shit that they do to people.....She looked at me and just said a few words, "It's a shame his life ended this way..." and I just replied back, that it ended thirty years ago right before I was born.

I can't imagine drifting through life and not even putting in a fucking effort to pick yourself up off the ground and try to better yourself. I guess my old man motivated me in a different way; how NOT to be. That's why I busted my ass in high school and now I'm onto grad school.

Sorry I'm off on a tangent here. My point is, that if you guys have supportive family that I truly envy you for that and you should be thankful. Don't waste a single moment over anything petty and never forget today could be your last day, or theirs. The only thing I have is my lady who has been been with me through thick and thin, backing me up all the way and my two doggies. :) That's my family, and maybe eventually we will start one of our own. My motivation is to be everything that my father and mother were not. I can't help but feel empty inside about it sometimes though.

Everyone take care,

X

x my condolences bro. you and your family are in my familys and my thoughts and prayers. if you need anything dont hesitate to ask

sorry for your loss bro, sometimes it is too late to realize for those gone, but learn and pass along to those before you.

Very sorry for your loss bro....

sorry to hear X...altho i grew up with a father he was strict as hell and we never had a relationship.i moved out at 18 and never looked back except for the one time i had to move back home at 24 to save for a house.but now,as the years go on everytime i see my parents and say goodbye to my father his hugs get tighter and he pounds me on the back as if i acheived something.he's seen me at my best as a cop and my worst of the worst as a street junkie.guess he figures he's getting older as am i and we never know when that number's gonna be called...

Sorry for your loss!

sorry for your loss. my father also was a drinker and still is i havent spoke to him in over 10years and he lives 10mins away from me. i built my house when i was 23years old yea thats right i had a builder build my house and i bought the land and neither of my parnets knew about it and when i took him to my house he was drunk and put it down i am not talking about a trailer i am talking about a cbs home with a 2car garage. after him and my mom split i never heard from him then one day he came over drunk with some bar fly i told him to get out and dont come back.

i tip my hat to you for not letting your parents problems keep you down or have you make excuses on why you couldnt do anything. i never let me father keep me down and i will never will. keep your chin up bro.

Very sorry Mex.... Brother we have alot in common. My father was also a drunk and we had no relationship at all. He died in 2000 at 50yrs old. His liver finally gave up. He was a very smart man and could have done anything but he loved the bottle more. As with you He taught me how not to be. Im there with you brother.

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Originally Posted by apbt549

sorry for your loss. my father also was a drinker and still is i havent spoke to him in over 10years and he lives 10mins away from me. i built my house when i was 23years old yea thats right i had a builder build my house and i bought the land and neither of my parnets knew about it and when i took him to my house he was drunk and put it down i am not talking about a trailer i am talking about a cbs home with a 2car garage. after him and my mom split i never heard from him then one day he came over drunk with some bar fly i told him to get out and dont come back.

i tip my hat to you for not letting your parents problems keep you down or have you make excuses on why you couldnt do anything. i never let me father keep me down and i will never will. keep your chin up bro.

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That's terrible that he talked down on you like that. It fucks with you, because even though that you know you've done better and are successful we all want our parents to be proud of us. I'll never forget when I watched the cult classic Pulp Fiction, and remember that line Wallace through out to Butch..."That sting you feel.....that's just pride, fucking with you.....FUCK PRIDE." lol

I'm staying strong, I just wish that I could have had more of a relationship with my father but it's out of my control. Amazing how people can depend on a bottle, drug, etc.

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Originally Posted by Big Dan

Very sorry Mex.... Brother we have alot in common. My father was also a drunk and we had no relationship at all. He died in 2000 at 50yrs old. His liver finally gave up. He was a very smart man and could have done anything but he loved the bottle more. As with you He taught me how not to be. Im there with you brother.

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I didn't want the details of mines death, but I'm assuming he went out the same way. He had heart surgery at one point, and his liver had to be practically non existent. Do you ever wonder sometimes how you would have been with a stronger male figure in your life? Sometimes I do. I wonder if I'd have done things different, if my ambitions would be different, or if I'd be a different person entirely. It drives me mad sometimes

Yea Bro I do too.... I wonder if I my life would have been better and where would I be right now. My grandparents raised me and they loved me very much but still yet its not like a fathers love. I had to teach my own self how to play sports. But I will tell you it has made me a great dad, I have two kids a 15yr old and a 8 yr old. I love them to death. I am there for them no matter what and I have got to experience things through them that I never got to do as a child with my father. My son is my bestfriend and my daughter always keeps me laughing. And as far as drinking I dont ever touch the stuff for fear of turning out like him. Mex I know how u feel and It bothers me too and drives me as well.

Sorry for your loss