Fathering Techniques

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In the past three years, my company has done a lot of research on the changing landscapeof parenthood. Of all the changes we’ve looked at, there are two shifts that havestood out the most: Parenting philosophies and the evolved role of a dad.First, let’s talk parenting philosophies. Our parents’ generation all prettymuch followed the advice of Dr. Spock. Today, no one parenting style or approachdominates. Rather, it’s a blend of techniques. Maybe you’ve got a little TigerMom in you when it comes to school but you’re all about “attachment parenting"when it comes to bedtime routines. But wherever you stand, it’s not just the momsetting the tone for how family life is going to be. Dadsare more involved than ever as day-to-day caretakers.Some stats about dads taking charge at home

A December 2011 study by the U.S. Census Bureau reports among fathers with a wife in theworkforce, 32% were a regular source of care for their children under age 15, up from 26%in 2002. Among these fathers withpreschool-age children, one in five fathers was the primary caregiver, meaning their childspent more time in their care than any other type of arrangement.And, asrecently reported in the Wall Street Journal, 7.4% of fathers in married-couplefamilies with children under 18 were home in 2009 while their wives worked, the highestpercentage on record (Bureau of Labor Statistics data).Dr. John Gottman, aleading marriage and parenting researcher and author of And Baby Makes Three,studied men who actively participated in child care. The big takeaway was that these menare not only happier in their marriages but have lower heart rates and better sex livesthan less involved dads. (Makes sense to me. If Mom isn’t doing it all,there’s more energy left for doing Dad.)Companies have caught on to thetrends. Top-selling baby products and services today also speak to the elevated role offathers as caretakers, from macho diaper bags to daddy and me classes, men’sbathrooms with changing tables, daddy blogs and columns, and companies offering paternitycare (and more men actually taking it).RELATED VIDEO:Top 10: Father-Son ActivitiesHow powerful is a good dad?

But all this got me wondering. Now that children are getting a much heavier dose offathering than ever before, what impact, if any, might this shift have on childdevelopment and future generations? Are my daughter and son fundamentally differentbecause their dad is as involved in their caretaking as I am?The answerappears to be yes. Multiple research studies, such as those cited in The Role of theFather in Child Development (a summary of the state of fatherhood acrosscultures, classes, economic systems, and family formations) point to several benefits amore balanced mom/dad role can have on children. For example, children who experience lesssex-stereotypical roles tend to have less sex stereotypical ideas about male and femaleroles. Also, they tend to get a greater “diversity of stimulation” frominvolved interaction from moms and dads. Just how different are these interactions?When you strip away unique factors such as personality, culture, lifestage,relationship dynamics, etc., you’ve got key hard-wired differences that appear toimpact three essential components of child-rearing: How we address risk, how wecommunicate with our children and how we deal with the stress of balancing parenting witha busy, modern life.Difference No. 1: Men's relationship with risk

The first of these differences has to do with men’s attitudes toward risk.As it turns out, my tendency to gasp whenever my two-year-old does something potentiallydangerous as compared with my husband’s “let’s see how this playsout” reaction has more to do with our genders than our personalities.Astudy referenced in Lise Eliot’s Pink Brain, Blue Brain found differencesin how boy and girl babies,exactly seven months of age, reacted when provided with a variety of toys to play withwhile mom observes. If mom’s face showed fear or concern about the toy baby isplaying with, girl babies invariably stopped in their tracks. Boy babies had a differentreaction. Registering that same look of fear on their mom’s face, boy babies justkeep on going.This study and others like it demonstrate that a more open andaccepting attitude toward risk is part of the male make-up (and necessary for survival wayback when). When a baby boy grows up and becomes a dad in the modern world, he has thatsame instinctual attitude toward risk. While moms tend to have more “blanket”fears when it comes to their children, men tend to fear very specific things based onexperience.Men’s relationship with risk extends to how they play withtheir children. It’s behind that irresistible urge to throw a perfectly delicatebaby high up into the air (while assuring everyone around him that he’ll catch thelittle tyke). It’s also the same attitude experts believe can have a positive impacton a child’s self-confidence by encouraging him to try new things even if it’sa stretch, and helping to teach him the difference between what’s worth fearing inthis world and what’s not. Continue Reading

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