The 10 Things You Only Do When You Work In An Office
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The awful sound of your morning alarm, the straightening of the tie and the complete lackof motivation at your job past 1 p.m. on a Friday are all things that come with thepackage of workingin an office. The brisk transition from lazy mornings watching Mad Men whiletrying to motivate yourself to, at least, have a shower before the sun goes down to aworld where everyone has a desk is quite a difficult one to take in stride. The last time you had a desk was in high school, where throwing a balled-up piece ofpaper at a rival for the crown of "class clown" was completely normal, and interrupting ateacher with fart noises was simply labeled as "something you deal with" by the staff.But this is different. A fart noise would not be tolerated in a professional environment, and to attack someone with a paper missile would certainlyresult in at least a written warning. While we are prepared for some of the things thatcome with a 9-to-5job, no amount of research could prepare us for the extremely tedious and incrediblyroutine aspects of life in an office.Didn’t think you cared aboutbabies? Well, you do. Never imagined discussing whether you would rather have no hands orno feet? Well, you will. Those office walls bring out the worst in people, sohere’s something to put you in good stead10. Drinking a bottle of water aday
Before you started working, water was something that you knew was important but didn’t really consider.The most you ever drank when you were at home dreamingof a job where you couldn’t masturbate without people knowing was maybe a fewcoffees. But did you ever think you could drink 1.5 liters of water in just oneday?9. acting like a dick to your mates
It starts when you’re in the pub and the conversation turns to you. But before you speak, both of your arms start to rise up by your side, until they both areable to get purchase on the top of the sofa, leaving you looking like a lever-basedcorkscrew. You tilt your head back and say, "Ah, me, [smirk] all is good, my friends. Allis good." You’ve never said these words, but the new job has massaged your ego andthe important meetings you’ve been in have made you into a knob. Luckily (for yourfriends), this only lasts a week.8. Eating sushi
Before you started work, your diet consisted mostly of food of the beige variety.Pastries, breads, pasta, sandwiches, breaded meat -- just one color was enough to fulfillyour every culinary need. Now you’re eating something called a bento. Whathappened? You used to be so carefree, and food was just something you had to do to stay alive. And now look at you -- you’ve gagged on wasabi.7. Going to bed Drunk at 8 p.m.
It seems that since you started, every three days you are in bed early with anempty box of KFC on your side table. Working makes you want to get drunk, and as theconstant need to socialize after work grows, so does the amount of takeout boxes on yourbedroom floor. Be careful to at least leave one night to clean your room, though, becausea vicious cycle of work/play can only lead to bad smells.6. Getting Irrationally excited when someone brings in sweets
When someone brings in a box full of Krispy Kreme doughnuts at work, you suddenlyfeel that this is a day to remember. Look at yourself, seriously. You have never boughtcookies before to eat on your own because you don’t care for casual snackingdeserts. Remember you’re a man, and try not to do that thing that people do whenthey raise both of their hands, wiggle their fingers and make an "mmmm" sound as they decide if they want a bloody cake.5. Spending A lot of money on Fridays
Friday is a day when lunch is a special time, but remember what Friday also is?Friday is also the time when you can go out, get smashed and not worry about theconsequences. But we eat double the amount we usually do and spend twice as much asnormal on the one night we’re looking to get drunk quickly andcheaply. 4. Lying about your weekends
You will realize after a few weeks that people around you are actual adults.Adults who go on weekend breaks and have exciting hobbies. What adults don’t do isgo to the bookmakers and place 14-team accumulators, play FIFA for six hours, have cheesetoasties for Sunday lunch, and wait until 4 p.m. to take a shower. Keep that asecret.3. Using coffee/tea to break up the day
Everyone uses the task of making and drinking hot beverages as a way to burn downthe clock. We get to the stage when we stare blankly at the computer screen, when theblue Facebook border becomes just a blur and we say, "I need to put the kettle on." So,for argument's sake, people who drink coffee work fewer hours.2. Gossiping about totally uninteresting things
"Do you think they're... You know..." "Guess who I saw last night?" "I don't know whatshe sees in him." These are all staple sentences that become just as importantto your office world as the walls that form it.People have sex. You know this,and so does everyone else, but you tend to forget this at work and treat every singlepiece of information about the current romantic endeavors of your peers like rareartifacts that you are desperate to share. You might not care if your best friend is inlove, but you bloody well love it when some random girl from your work force flirts withthe UPS guy.1. Counting down the seconds it takes you to take a piss
Two minutes is pretty much all it takes to walk to the little boy’s room, pop the little fella out, get him to do what he does best, wash your hands, and go backto your seat. But what happens if it’s a longer wee? Or you get stage fright? Or ifyou do that thing where your penis goes a little diagonal and piss goes a little offtarget and onto your trousers? Horrifically, there isn’t any proof you can dig upthat proves you haven’t taken a dump at the workplace, but if you stay in thetoilet for three minutes or more, you’re labeled a violation. Continue Reading
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